Mixtapes for Hookers


The Yoko Test

[In honor of Yoko Ono’s 80th birthday, here’s an excerpt from a previously unpublished story about the dumbest boyfriend I ever had, right after college.]

My gums bleed a lot. Mostly it’s because I don’t take very good care of my teeth, but mentally I blame it on bad genes. It makes me self-conscious, particularly on those rare occasions when I’m brushing my teeth with someone else in the room. It’s a terrible sight, foamy and bloody and red and blue and white, like a mangled American flag that’s also foamy and bloody and made out of toothpaste.

If there is one thing that terrifies me, as a single gay man who likes to put various parts of other single gay men in his mouth, it is the transmission of disease through my bloody gums. Additionally, they are unattractive.

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Bang Bang Bang
April 6, 2009, 4:39 pm
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Sheena Beaston today posted their list of Songs To Bang To, submitted by other bloggers.  I didn’t send anything in because I couldn’t think of one single song for the occasion, though some other folks came up with some pretty good selections, especially Radiohead’s oddly sexy Airbag.  (Much as I like the Blow’s Hey Boy, though, I can’t imagine wanting to make out with someone who thought of that as good boot-knocking music.)

That said, all this does remind me of something I used to call the Yoko Ono Test.

Four years ago, I went out with a guy for a few weeks.  Once, when we started making out, he asked me to change the music; I had put on the second album of Approximately Infinite Universe and he apparently wasn’t okay with that.  It turned out that I wasn’t okay with him, either, since he had a drug problem and lots of weird neuroses and he cheated on me by having condomless sex with a sailor he found on Manhunt who lived three states away.  And he wore jean shorts.

When we broke up, I decided that I never again wanted to date someone who couldn’t make out to Yoko Ono.  If I thought somebody was relationship material–which honestly wasn’t very often at that time–I’d put on Yoko and see if they could handle it.  My current boyfriend passed the Yoko test with flying colors almost four years ago, and I’m pretty sure that’s when I knew I wanted things to get serious with him.