Mixtapes for Hookers

The Yoko Test

[In honor of Yoko Ono’s 80th birthday, here’s an excerpt from a previously unpublished story about the dumbest boyfriend I ever had, right after college.]

My gums bleed a lot. Mostly it’s because I don’t take very good care of my teeth, but mentally I blame it on bad genes. It makes me self-conscious, particularly on those rare occasions when I’m brushing my teeth with someone else in the room. It’s a terrible sight, foamy and bloody and red and blue and white, like a mangled American flag that’s also foamy and bloody and made out of toothpaste.

If there is one thing that terrifies me, as a single gay man who likes to put various parts of other single gay men in his mouth, it is the transmission of disease through my bloody gums. Additionally, they are unattractive.

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Cool As Kim (and Kelley) Deal
June 10, 2011, 4:37 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

The Deal sisters, Kim and Kelley, turn the big five-oh today, so I thought I’d remind you of the existence of “Off You,” my favorite Breeders song and one of my favorite songs ever written, basically.  I’ve mentioned it here before, but it is worth repeating, particularly since the band’s 2002 Title TK album didn’t do particularly well commercially.

Many years ago, back in the era of flickering torch gifs, there was a website called RockInBoston.com, which was run by a guy named Joe Harvard.  He had lengthy and (I thought) fascinating stories about pretty much every rock musician to pass through Boston during the eighties and nineties, and he had this whole story about Kim Deal and about how you should never, ever give her pot because she just wasn’t very good with it.  When Title TK came out and there was that song “Sinister Foxx” about the iguana, and how in interviews she explained that the song was about how pot dealers always had pet iguanas that always seemed to be escaping from their tanks, I was genuinely confused.  For years.

Two more Breeders favorites plus a Kim-led Pixies classic after the jump:

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This Month Is My Month, Part 3
May 6, 2011, 6:43 pm
Filed under: personal | Tags: , ,

This morning the plan was to go to the breakfast buffet at the strip club, but due to some logistical errors and worky business I had to call that off.  Which is too bad, because the breakfast buffet only happens on Fridays and today is the very last Friday of my twenties.  Which seems like reason to celebrate, I think, with bad rock music and strippers and eggs.

And while I plan to spend a lot of the next week celebrating my transition into a thirtysomething, I’m saving the real hoo-hah for next weekend, when I’m flying off to New Orleans for my first real vacation in, uh, thirteen years.

I mean, I’ve traveled some during that time, but only for weddings or work trips or art shows or events that friends planned or as a tagalong on somebody else’s work thing.  This will be the first vacation since my high school trip to Paris, when I planned to spend all my time seducing British tourists and buying records but instead just mostly fought with my one friend for six days.

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Happy Birthday Dear This Blog
September 22, 2010, 8:21 pm
Filed under: this very blog | Tags:

This site turned 3 on Saturday and I’ve been so crazy/busy/crazybusy that I didn’t even get a chance to mention it until now.  This site’s morphed a lot in that time–I was reeeeeeally bored when I started it–and while I don’t post as much as I used to I’m very glad to have picked up some readers along the way.

Every year I say I’m going to have some kind of party to celebrate the blog’s birthday and this year I don’t even think I’m going to pretend.  So hopefully I’ll see you, at the sex calendar party or at the Headmaster launch (when that happens) or somewhere else along the way.

[image: unknown; I found it here.]

Happy Birthday, Shelley Duvall
July 7, 2010, 11:38 am
Filed under: movies | Tags: , ,

I love this song. Shelley Duvall sings it about Robin Williams’ title character in Robert Altman’s Popeye, but I didn’t remember the song until it reappeared over twenty years later in Punch-Drunk Love, the misunderstood, depressing drama by Altman aficionado Paul Thomas Anderson.

But that’s not why I love Shelley Duvall. For that we need to go back.

I’m nine years old and watching the Disney Channel, and the most AMAZING movie ever comes on. It stars Debbie Harry, Cyndi Lauper, Cheech Marin, Bobby Brown, Ben Vereen, Howie Mandel, Pia Zadora, Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, Teri Garr, Katey Segal, Woody Harrelson, and Charlie from Empty Nest, among others. It is really weird! It’s called Mother Goose Rock and Rhyme, and it is truly a thing to behold. I taped it off the television and watched it constantly. The Disney Channel original movie was put together by Duvall, who turns sixty-one today and who played Little Bo Peep in the film.

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Happy Birthday To Me
February 3, 2010, 5:22 am
Filed under: personal, porn | Tags: , ,

So, a celebration is in order. Today my other blog, Naked Pictures Of Your Dad, turns the big oh-one. To celebrate, I decided to take the day off and ask other people to do guest posts. Seventeen people from around the internet, around Providence, and in a couple of cases both took me up on the offer, and starting at 8am eastern time you’ll be able to see what they came up with.

Relatedly, the internet is surprisingly devoid of photos of a) shirtless boys covered in cake frosting, b) male strippers jumping out of cakes, and c) naked guys in party hats. Even the porn blog Gay Porn & Cake Party was surprisingly devoid of these things.  Not that the spooky marzipan cock cake above isn’t special, but I may soon need to set up a photo shoot to rectify this error…

January 8, 2010, 12:16 pm
Filed under: hot, music | Tags: , ,

Happy Birthday, David Bowie.

A Better Future, an album track off 2002’s well-regarded-though-quickly-forgotten Heathen album, is definitely on my list of top 5 Bowie songs, along with Starman, Young Americans, Boys Keep Swinging, and maybe the Pet Shop Boys remix of Hallo Spaceboy.

(I just wrote for Carnal Nation about Bowie and Elvis, and about how the whole world of rock and roll/sex gods might be different were it not for those two January 8th birthdays.)