Mixtapes for Hookers

Does Looking At Chris Brown’s Dick Automatically Make You A Bad Person?
March 9, 2011, 12:53 pm
Filed under: music, starfucking | Tags: , ,

One of the funny advantages of having a blog with the word Mixtapes in the title is that I get a lot of e-mail blasts from hip-hop promoters.  Yesterday, I had the… fortune to get a download link to a new Chris Brown song called “Wet The Bed.”  It is a slow jam, and features lyrics like “Put your legs behind your head / I’m gonna make you wet the bed.”  Which, I don’t know, is maybe one of those funny straight-people things I don’t understand, but which to me sounds icky and creepy and icky and creepy and icky.  Also in the background there is also the sound of Ludacris saying “drip, drip, drip” in what I imagine is supposed to be a seductive voice.

I mean for God’s sake.
This song is weird to me, not least because if you Google the words “Chris Brown wet the bed” the first results are Tyra Banks talking about how Brown used to wet the bed as a child in response to seeing domestic violence in the home.  Which, not to say that different phrases can’t have different contexts at different points in a person’s life, and I don’t think he’s actually talking about engaging in watersports or anything, but it seems like maybe this is an… odd way to work through childhood trauma.

But also the song is just kind of dumb.  Ludacris, who should know better, spends his verse rhyming away about how big his cumshots are.  “Women call me the Super Soaker,” he says.  “And I’m gonna soak your bed to death.”  I appreciate the sentiment, I think, but seriously, that makes no sense.

And as for Chris Brown’s cumshots…  They’ve been on a lot of minds lately, I suspect, after photos of the abusive hitmaker’s dong surfaced on the internet recently.  [It was here, but I guess it’s been pulled, though embeds of the link still seem to be working.]  I admit that I too checked the photos out, and I have to say that he is very nice-looking, a show-er and probably not a grower, etc., and that probably if I were a teenaged girl I’d be all about having him deep in me, or whatever.

But it’s kind of weird, isn’t it, to be ogling the peen of a man who you will know is the abusive asshole who very publicly assaulted his girlfriend, beloved pop star Rihanna?  Because Chris Brown is an unquestionably terrible person who by all rights should not have a career in music right now.  His public apology for the Rihanna incident was so lame and self-centered that to call it half-assed would be exaggerating its eloquence.  And, while he’s had a good single or two here and there, there are plenty of other talented male r&b singers out there who don’t abuse their girlfriends and then use it as a platform to talk about themselves all day.  (Which leads me leads me to wonder how accidental this photo leak from “an ex” is, particularly because the Sisqo hairdo is basically brand new.)

But none of this has stopped Brown from selling hits… His stupidly-titled “Yeah 3x” hit the top 10 on pop and R&B radio, a feat considering that its generic beats sound like they were imported straight from a sold-on-TV compilation called Pure Dance 2002.

“Wet The Bed” comes from Brown’s fourth album, F.A.M.E., out later this month.

2 Comments so far
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