Mixtapes for Hookers

How To Spot Your Nemesis
January 9, 2011, 8:57 pm
Filed under: personal | Tags:

Having a nemesis is a really good thing, I think, because the nemesis provides a channel for negative feelings that you don’t really want to direct towards people you actually like or have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.  Is a party suddenly more boring than it should be?  Maybe it’s because your nemesis just showed up!  Do you suddenly feel irritated for no reason?  Oh, there’s a reason all right.  Your nemesis is probably nearby!  And so on.

Here are some guidelines to finding your ideal nemesis:

1. Your nemesis should be someone who, under different circumstances, might be your best friend.  (You know, if they weren’t so busy being an asshole all the time.)  They should be kind of smart and maybe kind of interesting, not that you would know because you are not very close with your nemesis.  Their job should be better than or equal to your job, if you have a job.  (Even if you don’t have a job, they should have a job.)

2. Your nemesis should be someone you see occasionally but not too often.  Once a month or so is ideal.  (You don’t want to dwell.)  You shouldn’t have many friends in common, because that could get annoying and complicated, but having acquaintances in common is fine.

3. Your nemesis should be at least a little bit cute.  Not too cute, because you’re not a petty person, but a little bit cute.  Nobody wants a homely nemesis.  It’s actually preferable if they vaguely resemble a more boring and poorly-dressed version of you.

4.  You should not actually hate your nemesis.  Hating people you don’t really know is bad, even if they are clearly the biggest jerks on the planet.  They are merely a spitoon, there for you to hock your annoyance loogies.

5. Your nemesis should not know that they are your nemesis.  This is the most important thing, because then it will seem like a small victory for you every single time you use your fake-cheerful voice to say hi, or every time you sigh loudly because your nemesis is blocking the path between you and the bar.

Or the men’s room.  Last night my nemesis–and his sulky boyfriend, who is too boring/uninteresting/unattractive/perenially stoned to be nemesis material–was blocking the way to the men’s room, and so I politely but rather huffily excused myself while avoiding eye contact.  (Victory!)

Unfortunately, then I mentioned to a friend that my nemesis was in the (rather sparsely populated) room.  And my friend, who was maybe a little more inebriated than I realized at first, told me that my nemesis was actually a very nice person.

“I don’t care,” I said.  “He’s bad news.”

“No!  He’s good news!  You should be friends.”

“But…he’s made disparaging remarks about my internet presence!”

“No no no.  He’s had a really hard life, that’s all.  He had some sisters and they all committed suicide, I think.  I can’t remember exactly.  He’s very nice!”

I mumbled, trying to think of another reason why this person was clearly a terrible raincloud on the parade of my existence, but I couldn’t actually come up with specifics.  Because, you know, there really aren’t any.  But before I knew it, my friend was off to the other end of the bar, to talk to my nemesis and tell him that we should be friends!  The horror!

A moment later he returned.  “He’s a very nice person,” he said again, though it was clear that my friend’s efforts were in vain and the nemesis (and his genuinely unpleasant male companion) wanted nothing to do with me, in a friendly way or in a fake-friendly way or in an angry way or in any way at all.

The jerk.

3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Another great take on an old issue.
Thanks for keepin it real!

Comment by justinstoned

What do you think of your favourite fuck buddy being your nemisis? There’s one guy that I LOVED having sex with but totally hate as a person (I’m sure the feeling is mutual). We eventually became friendly”ish” but whenever we hang out non-sexually we’re constantly arguing…sexual tension I guess.

Comment by James

That’s never happened for me, actually. There have been one or two people that I’ve kind of loathed whose bones I’ve also wanted to jump, but it’s never really gotten that far. Who knows, though. It could be fun!

Comment by mixtapesforhookers

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