Mixtapes for Hookers


American Top Timewasting
May 5, 2010, 8:10 am
Filed under: music | Tags: , ,

Here’s some hastily assembled letter grades for and remarks about this week’s American Top 40, because last night I had feverish work-related dreams and pretty much all I want to do is scream because I’m so far behind with every single thing I’m supposed to be doing right now:

1 (1) Jason Derulo, In My Head  C

2 (4) Rihanna, Rude Boy C+
I didn’t like this song at first, and then last week I kind of did. But the verses are so completely flat. When Rated R everybody singled this song out as a highlight. On hearing it the first time I decided to skip the album altogether.

3 (2) Lady Gaga, Telephone B-
I still don’t like the opening, but it’s kind of grown on me over time. Still, my least favorite Gaga single thusfar.

4 (3) Lady Antebellum, Need You Now B-
I would totally be okay with this song if just the lady sang it. But when the guy’s whiny voice comes in I shudder, every single time.

5 (6) Train, Hey, Soul Sister D-
My least favorite part of this song is the conceit that anyone who might be described as a “soul sister” would be a person to ask about who sang “Kyrie”. (Sigh of relief, though, that this song hasn’t yet inspired a “Broken Wings” revival.) This song’s awful rhymes make the “fried chicken/stickin’ up for you” rhyme of “Drops Of Jupiter” sound really smart.

6 (7) B.o.B, Nothin’ On You [Feat. Bruno Mars] C-
This song drives me crazy. And the backup “nut-nut-nothin’ on you” vocals would have sounded cheesy and wimpy in 1998.

7 (10) Taio Cruz, Break Your Heart C

8 (8) The Script, Breakeven C+
I had to look this up to even remember what it was.

9 (9) Timbaland, Carry Out (Featuring Justin Timberlake) C
I didn’t realize this song was actually popular. I think I’ve only heard it on the radio maybe twice.

10 (5) Black Eyed Peas, Imma Be C-
“Meet Me Halfway” was actually pretty okay, but of course they had to follow it up with one of their dumbest and more relentlesssly repetitive songs yet.

11 (11) Ke$ha, Tik Tok  C-
The grade ranges from a B- to an F, depending on my mood and the fact that it’s still on the radio twenty-four fucking hours a day.

12 (12) OneRepublic, All The Right Moves B+
I really like this song. A lot. If I were making the most mainstream Michael Cera vehicle ever about indie teenagers in love, this would be the song that played during that scene where they finally kissed after a long discussion of popular children’s films of the 1980s. Next to the Hollywood sign.

13 (17) Ke$ha, Your Love Is My Drug C+
Either this woman is breaking me down finally or this song is not quite as terrible as TiK ToK. Or I just haven’t heard it sixty trillion times yet so I can’t accurately compare.

14 (14) Adam Lambert, Whataya Want From Me B
15 (16) Trey Songz, Say Aah [Feat. Fabolous] C

16 (13) Young Money, Bedrock B-
“I’m at the W but I can’t meet you in the lobby.”

17 (15) Lady Gaga, Bad Romance A
Twenty years from now this is the song that your parents will be dancing to at your niece’s wedding to a jerk.

18 (22) Selena Gomez, Naturally B
On second listen, this isn’t so bad. I almost charted it on the Pop Chart last month but thought better of it. Now it’d make it on there for sure.

19 (18) Orianthi, According To You D
This song is such a pain in my ass.

20 (20) David Guetta, Sexy Chick D+
The part in the radio edit where he says “Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood” still makes me angry, because it makes no sense and things that make no sense have no place on the radio for like eight months.

21 (30) Lady Gaga, Alejandro A-
Unless it’s this song, because this song at least flagrantly doesn’t make sense. Her boyfriend’s such a dad? And the one line I haven’t been able to decipher, at least according to this lyrics site I just checked, is “Now he’s gonna firefight, got cool the bad.” Whatever, I’ll give an A to anything that sounds this much like Army of Lovers.

22 (24) Iyaz, Solo C-
23 (23) Iyaz, Replay C

Aside from the fact that the melody for part of “Solo” resembles the melody from “Again” by Janet Jackson, these songs are completely unremarkable.

24 (-) Christina Aguilera, Not Myself Tonight C
Why am I not excited about this? I loved Back To Basics and pretty much all of her other singles, at least a little. What’s happening here?

25 (19) Kris Allen, Live Like We’re Dying C-
This sounds like the Barenaked Ladies.  Boo.

26 (26) John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare D
27 (21) Taylor Swift, Today Was A Fairytale C
28 (27) Jay Sean, Down C+

29 (29) Lifehouse, Halfway Gone  B
At this point I’ve spent literally an entire decade defending Lifehouse. Of all the kajillions of compound word MOR Christian bands out there, they’re the only ones who’ve actually backed up their heartfelt earnestness with catchy melodies. This is no “Hanging By A Moment” or “Spin,” but it’s still a good song.

30 (36) Justin Bieber, Eenie Meenie C+
See above in case you were wondering what “eenie meenie minie mo” actually meant.

31 (31) La Roux, Bulletproof A+
My #2 song of 2009 off my #2 album of 2009. And, except for “Bad Romance,” the only really good pop song on this list.

32 (38) Usher, OMG D
“Honey got some boobies like wow oh wow.”

33 (33) Jay-Z, Young Forever C
34 (34) Kevin Rudolf, I Made It C

35 (32) Jason Derulo, Whatcha Say D
This song was co-written and produced by JR Rotem, who is also responsible for Leona Lewis’s crappy “Better In Time” and also “Sneakernight,” not to mention both of the boring Iyaz singles on this list. Okay, so his first official production was “SOS” for Rihanna, but his career since then has been such an amazing suckfest.

36 (-) Travie Mccoy, Billionaire [Feat. Bruno Mars] F
Oh Jesus Christ.  Who is this Bruno Mars and why does he guest on such horrible songs?

37 (28) Daughtry, Life After You C-
38 (25) Justin Bieber, Baby B

39 (39) Kings of Leon, Use Somebody F
40 (40) Spose, I’m Awesome D-

It’s really hard to say which of these two songs is worse, but I’ll give the slightly better grade to Spose, just because the song hasn’t been around for like an entire year already.


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