Mixtapes for Hookers

Starfucker Saturday: I often make passes at boys who wear glasses.
October 27, 2007, 9:55 am
Filed under: starfucking | Tags: ,

I briefly contemplated making this some sort of world series-themed post, but I can’t really muster up the strength to channel my hormones towards a sport where at any given time only like two out of eighteen players are actually doing anything. Come on. That’s not a sport. It might be fun when you’re nine and there’s a big dog next door and all you have to worry about is just when the sudden Heartfelt And Life-Changing Appearance by James Earl Jones is going to happen, but you are grown men. You should be running around and working up a sweat and beating the shit out of each other with hockey sticks. Or boxing gloves. Or your bare fucking hands. Jesus.

So, that said, I thought I’d talk about something interesting that I got in the mail the other day. Specifically, the new issue of Out. Now, I didn’t actually subscribe to Out, mind you, but for some reason it just showed up at my house one day. And then again about a month later. And the month after that. Ever since about May. I don’t know why, and normally I just end up flipping through it when I’m on the can, and I just scoff a lot with disdain at how much I’m not into the gay community. (But that’s another essay.)

But the new issue of out has Tom Ford on the cover, and while I never found Tom Ford particularly attractive before, I think he’s totally hot when he’s dressed like a boxer in a suit. Which, though uncommon, is almost always hot (although even more so when the guy’s not actually a real boxer. And, okay, I totally get moist when celebrities are covered in fake blood. I don’t know, call me kooky.)

The rest of the photos show him, oddly, playing referee for some naked boxers before he takes his clothes off for an ass-filled group shower photo finale (pictures of which haven’t made it online yet, I guess.) It was done by Terry Richardson, and it’s pretty awesome, which isn’t really that surprising if you know the kind of work Richardson does. The pictures look good, and they work even in the context of a lame magazine like Out. Richardson’s an oddly talented dirtbag who just happens to have taken some of my favorite celebrity photos ever (including topless ones of Annie, which for some reason I can’t find now, unless I’m just making it up.)

But also I’m going to make a confession.

I think Terry Richardson is hot. Wicked hot, as they say here in New England. Because he often puts himself into his work. And while it’s often terrifying (like here, with the terrifying Karen O) it’s often, uh, not so scary. I mean, just mention a well-hung guy with nerdy glasses and I’ll pop a boner in about four seconds. Especially if it’s a well-hung nerd who takes naked pictures of himself taking naked pictures of Kate Moss.

Now, I’m not saying he’s a god or even actually handsome or anything. For one thing he’s got all those dumb American flag tattoos and shit. But I can overlook that. And I think it’s the glasses. The glasses, and the fact that he’s sleazy. (See also: Pistol, Tommy.) I’d be happy just hanging out and blowing him for a few hours. (Especially if Jared Leto #2 was there with his glasses, too.) Sadly, the sleazy guys with glasses tend to all be on the hetero side–I can’t think of a single gay guy with hot glasses. Well, except Yves Saint Laurent, but he’s kind of dead now.

I don’t know why, but ever since I was about twelve I’ve had a thing for sleazy boys with glasses.* Maybe because good glasses can make up for a not-so-pretty face. (This goes for sunglasses, too. As much as I blame Johnny Knoxville for Jackass making MTV even worse than it already was–and also for instigating the awful trucker hat revival of 2004–he’s probably also largely responsible for the fact that so many average-looking boys spontaneously got sexy when they put on some aviators.)

With the right spectacles, I even think otherwise unattractive dead squares are foxy. Not to mention psychologically unstable leaders of bands that are simultaneously really overrated and really underrated and that sang about that same dead square that one time. (But who didn’t wear them in the video for the song about the dead square, which I didn’t realize until right now. Weird.) If he kept his glasses, I might have even forgiven Marc Jacobs for getting horrible tattoos. But he switched to contacts, and now he’s just another lame gaywad with the girl from Poltergeist drawn on his back. Which is too bad–his glasses were the best thing about him.

It’s not universal, though, and a lot of that has to do with frame choice. While glasses often make hot people hotter and make not-hot people kinda hot, frame choice is also important. (Like how only three of the kajillion people in this slideshow are even remotely attractive.) Go thick, people. Or do the other way and do some kind of sexually frustrated frameless tech-geek thing, because that can be hot too. Try not to do anything too ridiculous, but make a statement. Like I always say, a man who makes a bold statement with his eyewear is also going to make a bold statement when his penis is halfway up your ass.* Seriously.

(*Unless he’s Jack Nicholson. Ewwwww!!!)

[Note: Since, for whatever reason, this is still by far the page on this blog with the most hits, I’ve just updated all the links that have broken over the two years since I first posted it.  9/09]

2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Some greets from germany … more exactly Berlin.
I really like your thinking.
May, do you know what kind of glasses Mr. Terry Richardson holding of hims nose ? I mean the frame :o)


Comment by Paolo

I don’t, unfortunately. Sorry!

Comment by mixtapesforhookers

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